Breastfeeding and Shame

The Mindful Breastfeeding Program: Embracing Compassion and Letting Go of Shame

Hey! Today, we’re diving into a topic that's close to the hearts of many new mothers: breastfeeding and the myriad of emotions that many women experience. We know that breastfeeding can be a beautiful journey, but it can also bring up a lot of tough feelings, especially shame. So, let's talk about how the Mindful Breastfeeding Program can help you embrace compassion and let go of that shame, making your breastfeeding experience more joyful and less stressful for everyone.

The Loneliness of Shame in Postpartum

For many mothers, breastfeeding can feel like a solo journey. Even with a supportive partner, the weight of expectations and the fear of not measuring up can make you feel isolated. And when things don’t go as planned shame can become an unwelcome companion. But it’s not just breastfeeding or formula feeding that stirs up feelings of shame - it’s how we relate to our postpartum body, how we perceive our abilities as a new mom, how quickly we do or don’t recover…etc etc.

Shame is a powerful emotion, often linked to a sense of losing control over your body and feeling like you’re failing in some fundamental way. It makes you feel like you don’t belong, you can feel defective and unworthy. This sense of unworthiness can be a recurring theme for many mothers struggling with breastfeeding. It fascinates (and frustrates) me that so little research today focuses on how to manage these uncomfortable and potentially harmful emotions in a healthy way.

External Shame

External shame comes from worrying about what others think. You might feel like friends or family are judging you for your breastfeeding struggles or if you stop breastfeeding. And when we’re caught up in those emotions we lose our perspective and start to ruminate on these negative feelings. External shame is that insidious feeling that if people knew the “real” you – the flawed, imperfect you – they wouldn’t want to be around you. Historically, this fear of being cast out of the group made sense (back in the caveman days), but today, it only serves to isolate us more. In some cultures it’s not uncommon for family members to intentionally shame women who have difficulties with breastfeeding, further compounding the sense of failure.

Internal Shame

Internal shame is your own perception of being unworthy or flawed. Self-criticism runs rampant. You might think, “It’s my fault my baby isn’t latching right,” or, “I should’ve...” Most mothers experiencing breastfeeding challenges deal with both types of shame. It’s a whirlwind of negativity that makes you feel vulnerable and attacks your self-worth. Moms without the skills to recognise and manage these emotions are more likely to stop breastfeeding before they really wanted to.

The Impact of Oxytocin and Shame

Here’s an interesting twist: while oxytocin, the “love hormone,” is known to foster bonding and milk production, new research suggests it can also increase feelings of shame when you feel you’re not doing enough for your baby. This dual nature of oxytocin can make the emotional landscape of breastfeeding even more complex.

In the most recent research when people were given intranasal oxytocin, they felt more shame and guilt, but only when they caused harm to others on purpose, not by accident. This effect was most noticeable in people with low natural empathy.

When you can learn to offer yourself some grace you’ll begin see that so much of our life circumstances are beyond our control. You didn’t ask for a mind that keeps you up at night worrying, or that Gestational Diabetes diagnosis. When we focus on controlling what we can and letting go of things we can’t control life gets significantly easier. So of course, if moms are only taught outdated breastfeeding positions and relaxation techniques none of those skills help manage tricky emotionally charged thoughts - and trust me - they are coming!

The Antidote to Shame: Self-Compassion

So, how do we combat this shame storm? The answer is self-compassion. When you’re kind to yourself, you can transform your breastfeeding journey from one of self-doubt and criticism to one of acceptance and love - whether or not you continue to breastfeed. It’s like a ‘get out of jail’ (shame jail) free card and just takes a little time to practice, but the rewards are huge.

Curiosity

Start with curiosity. Mindfulness is all about being curious about your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Notice when those feelings of shame arise and question them. “Is this thought helpful?” The Mindful Breastfeeding Program encourages you to observe these thoughts but not to engage with them which just ends up in a downward spiral.

Kindness

Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend or your own baby. It’s about being gentle, understanding, and nurturing to yourself, especially when things are tough. Imagine comforting yourself the way you would comfort your distraught infant – with love and patience.

Building Resilience

Self-compassion builds emotional resilience, helping you bounce back from setbacks. It’s an essential tool for mood regulation and shame reduction. When you practice self-compassion, you’re more likely to seek help and persist through challenges, leading to higher breastfeeding success rates.

Breaking the Silence

Shame thrives in silence and secrecy. But when you shine a light on shame, it loses its power. Share your experiences with supportive friends, family, or a community of other breastfeeding mothers. The Mindful Breastfeeding Program provides a safe space for you to connect and share, helping to dissolve shame and build connections.

Embrace Compassion and Let Go of Shame

Remember, you are worthy and deserve to have a positive postpartum. The Mindful Breastfeeding Program is here to support you with mindfulness, compassion, and community. By embracing these practices, you can transform your breastfeeding journey, letting go of shame and stepping into a space of love and acceptance. Let’s nurture ourselves as we nurture our babies, and create a more joyful, connected experience for both of you.

Resources:

Oxytocin and Shame (2024)

Guilt, shame, and postpartum infant feeding outcomes: A systematic review